Deconstruction

It's been a while since I took stock of my surroundings. I have been sleeping long hours. Does that mean I have been peaceful? Not really, I have been more lost than ever before. I have been occupied with meaningless thoughts and races. I came here to discover the unknown me but here I am, all shattered! I thought I would get back on the stage while at school. But it did not happen. It's strange, now I am not so sure if I am the one who is meant to be on the stage.Well, there are lot of things that I want, but I might not be willing to take the pain to go and get it!

There is this constant fear, I cannot understand what is it? Why do I have tears in my eyes at this moment, wish I could go deep inside my mind and figure out some answers. 

I had thought I would use my time at B-School to retrospect and understand myself. But that has not topped my to do list yet. I just want to stop! I don't know where I have come, it's a puzzle how I reached here. It feels like I don't belong here. If not here, where do I go? 

I overheard that the ones who suffer the most are the ones who do not know what they want. Hope it is not true always!

Hopes and fears as I start my days at ISB

My 1st week at ISB!

No regrets, but I have given up far too much while making this choice. I never made an attempt to meet my future batchmates unlike many others who even went on trips together. 1st week was definitely a roller coaster ride with all the parties, break-out sessions for various clubs, ragging by seniors (oh they don't call it ragging here and we have signed an anti-ragging agreement as well). I have been rather chilled out since I arrived at ISB. We were given couple of assignments by seniors, crazy assignments with unrealistic deadlines. But I for one did not bother to submit them which is unlike me. I like the new me, who cares less about whats happening around her.

I see everybody on an edge. People are nervous, every day feels like an exam day. There are fears I need to address. I am worried about losing focus. I have not been able to sit back and think what is it that I want to achieve here at ISB. Why am I here? Yesterday while talking to somebody, I realized I can't act that studies don't bother me. They do, I want to learn. My primary intention was to be able to understand all the aspects of managing an organization. How could I forget that? My primary target was never networking; yes, I do want to improve my networking skills. I do want to make friends. But that was not my goal for coming here. I could have done that outside ISB as well. I want to learn. So I shall. Friends I will make by being nice to people. I will not go behind the world to make friends. The ones worth making friends will definitely become my friends. After all there is magnetism at work, bringing people together.

21.2 KM

A runner who does not know

How to tie shoelaces

But what is great about one who does not fall

Unique, but not great

If I were religious about daily prayers,

Running would be my prayer

I only pray that praying be made so tough
That I will remember my prayer
Even when it is answered

thoughts... unstructured and unabridged

Achievements can leave you alone. They take so much out of you and leave you dry and cold. You can feel the emptiness to the core of your heart. It feels as though you enjoyed the journey more than the result. Achievements are so ephemeral. In fact life is so ephemeral, so diaphanous. Achieving something does not make you as happy as it should have done. Of course, you are glad that you didn't fail (now, who would want that?) but you don't feel at the top of the world.

There has to be something to work towards, there has to be something to cry for. Is pain the only emotional we are capable of feeling truly? Does that mean we are not happy? Are we faking happiness as well? Can that one moment of sadness make all your smiles worthless?

No, that can't be true. We know exactly when we are happy. We are capable of being happy irrespective of where we are. We cry only for a moment and the moment passes before the person standing next to us notices it. Driven to a goal, driven to a magnetic field is the only way we can walk. Is free fall the only way to that glorious tomorrow? It's like we need that gravitational pull from the future.

A dream called life

I am an empty vessel
Sell me a dream called life

Hearing you talk of colours
That you want to paint your life with
I can almost feel the rhythmic beats of my heart
That once hosted a tree for little sparrows and parrots

Questions as many as nuerons in my head
A part of me fights me
For answers are not mine to know
For I don't deserve to know, yet, Would I ever be?

I am at one arm's length away from you and the world
Would you wait till I walk this distance myself
I don't want to miss this space between us ever
Would you be this person I trust blindly
Dangerous but that's the only way I know

Would you be the one who would take on the world
Just to stand by my side, for a second or two

That book on my bed

As I reduce the volume of breathtaking music

Dying words touch my ears and soul

Like a soft breeze while walking up hill

So I scribble my thoughts, thoughts

As serene as the tortoise

Sleeping on my couch

Yeah, it’s a beautiful morning

Beautiful only because of the way I feel 

Selfish I, I wish to share it with no one

This beautiful morning, except with

That book I left on my bed

Last night, when sleep betrayed my eyes

The Garden City and its delicate gardens

Over breakfast with a colleague, the chain of thoughts brought us to a conversation on the awesome weather Bengaluru has been known for since the time immortal. My colleague studied in the New Horizon college, which forms a nice view (of course for various reasons) from our cafeteria. In the early 2000s when she graduated from here, she said, it was in the middle of a dense forest. Well even today it is, however  it’s a concrete forest that surrounds the college now. Like everything mortal, the weather is certainly losing its charm.

On this Tuesday, the 28^th of February, Bengaluru recorded the highest temperature on a February Day in seven years!  Is that an indication of how the summer days are going to be this year? The 5 minutes walk from bus stop to my office is intolerable these days. 

Bengaluru is called the Garden city. I say lets stop putting the usual gardens in our city (oh, is nobody doing that as well?). No offense meant to the beautiful gardens, even I have enjoyed running and walking in many a gardens here.  But, have you been to the Mini forest area in J P Nagar? It is no less than a garden but I simply love the healthy trees there that stand tall with pride. I wish we start planting trees, the tall and dense ones, at least in our delicate gardens. 

I wait for those occasional rains and thunderstorms that hit Bengaluru during summers. Everyone does the same, WAITS! We need to step out and do something, at least stop more buildings and fly overs replace our unarmed trees.

Blurred

When life felt like a house of cards
Falling off the table with winds of failure
That visited often, I built and rebuilt my house.

Even though I wept all through the night
Heart break didn’t hinder my hike
For I knew the days would be bright.

But standing at the gate of the promised land,
I see no sunshine, I know not this fear of change
That clouds my sky and vision.

Less serious, less dramatic, more laughter.

When doubt creeps in through the front door
Fear sneaks through the cracks in the walls
And uncertainty forms a cloud blocking sunlight

Only weapon to defend my fort
Is that little faith hidden deep in my closet
That I must have been right when I chose this game

Wisdom tells me, fear is of the unknown
Which can't be beaten just by thinking
So let's be less serious, little less dramatic

Story that I tell...will always be incomplete!

How do I let you walk on my lawn
Would you only appreciate the sweet scent of flowers

Won't you see the crown of thorns, Though
My story lies not in the colors your inquisitive eyes see,

I feel I am betraying more than I can bear

Let you peep through a page of my book,
Sacred, what if only in my heart
Those delicate pages, are they not
The folding leaflets of a touch-me-not, Your soft hands,
Wont they leave behind finger prints

So I tell you only the highlights of my story
Letting you take the highways
while I guard my dirt filled country roads
A story lies in its minute details, So I bury my story
Away from all the archaeological excavations
Your interviewing eyes can dig.

Vairagya

Waited for so long that it felt you waited all your life
And when the door was knocked
You didn't run to welcome the long awaited guest.

Many reasons to rejoice but you don't dance no longer
Reasons to weep but your heart does not tremble
Is this a walk towards light?

Are you becoming the rock?
That never shouts when hit with a chisel
Never dances when rain drops kiss it's surface.

strange!

Have you ever wondered why we meet the people we meet? Are we all wandering in space and somehow we collide with each other just like the extraterrestrial objects? Is there a reason why people meet?

It’s that magnetism one rarely feels towards another human being. Here I am not talking about love because I would probably never understand that feeling and I have decided to leave it alone, at least for a while. I am talking about total strangers, the ones you see and instantly you feel very fond of them. Then they leave just as easily as, well you can’t say "met you" for you really didn't meet. You have hardly spoken to them. You never really looked in the eyes. But somehow you felt connected to them. 

I read an article on TOI that said that probably such fond strangers are your dear ones from another life. How would you ever know? Probably some things are best when left alone.

Most of the times what remains of any relationship is the memory of the departure. But with this fond stranger, the only memory is of meeting him/her, not of going away. That's why, it forms the fondest of memories, they remain the fondest of people.